Saturday, April 21, 2007

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Mathemetic is not that difficult !

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Clever Picture

clipped from






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Saturday, April 14, 2007

Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex

1. You can GET Chocolate.
2. “If you Love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with Chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when It has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate Even in front of you Mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called names.
9. The word ‘Commitment’ doesn’t scare off your chocolate.
10. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
11. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work-mates.
12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
14. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
15. Good chocolate is easy to find.
16. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
17. You are never too young or too old to have chocolate.
18. When you have chocolate it doesn’t keep the neighbors awake.
19. With chocolate, size doesn’t matter, it’s always good.
20. Chocolate doesn’t keep you awake yapping after you’ve had it.
21. You can have chocolate with little kids without being sent to jail.
22. You don’t have to beg to get chocolate.
23. You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk ok on Monday morning.
24. It’s easy to find 9 inches of chocolate.
25. When chocolate melts all over your hands its nice to lick it of

Friday, April 13, 2007

Sports and professions

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

Water Found on Mars!!!

Water Found on Mars!

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Perfect Gentlemen

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Funny cartoon =)

No Stupid Questions or Stupid Answers

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.
Can you see that?"
......"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
......"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
......"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


The AL GORE Virus
(Causes your computer to just keep counting
and counting)

(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

The BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

The LEWINSKY virus
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then Emails everyone about what it did)

(Saves your data, but forgets
where it is stored)

The MIKE TYSON virus
(Quits after two bytes)

(Deletes all old files)

(Disks can no longer be inserted)

The PROZAC virus
(Totally screws up your RAM,
but your processor doesn't care)

(Only attacks minor files)

(Terminates some files and leaves,
but will be back)

(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows)