Saturday, April 21, 2007
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
1. You can GET Chocolate.
2. “If you Love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with Chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when It has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate Even in front of you Mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called names.
9. The word ‘Commitment’ doesn’t scare off your chocolate.
10. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
11. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work-mates.
12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
14. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
15. Good chocolate is easy to find.
16. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
17. You are never too young or too old to have chocolate.
18. When you have chocolate it doesn’t keep the neighbors awake.
19. With chocolate, size doesn’t matter, it’s always good.
20. Chocolate doesn’t keep you awake yapping after you’ve had it.
21. You can have chocolate with little kids without being sent to jail.
22. You don’t have to beg to get chocolate.
23. You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk ok on Monday morning.
24. It’s easy to find 9 inches of chocolate.
25. When chocolate melts all over your hands its nice to lick it of
Friday, April 13, 2007
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "